11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.