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@pleatedjeans

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

@girl_a_whirl

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

@WilliamRodgers

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

@mejustbeth

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

@Doc_Tweetz

Her: I’m a model.

Him: Oh cool, what agency?

Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.

Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.

Her: Oh what, in the army?

Him: No, Call of Duty.

@leechee420

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@Ristolable

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

@robin_991

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

@robwhisman

you are so much more than your diagnosis. bipolar disorder is something i have. i am NOT bipolar. my aunt is NOT lung cancer. lou gherig is NOT a good third example