[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.