I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Goat cheese is for herders.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My apartment is a mess, I should move