Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
A choir of Spring onions
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”