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STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.


How much of this “no more tears” shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?


Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)


I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.


My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.


Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking


Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.


Signs he might be cheating:

1- He has a wife

2- You’re not his wife


“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”


Next time you’re on an elevator with a stranger say, “If the doors open and it’s all zombies, let’s team up.”