I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
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Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
dutch is not a serious language
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣