[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Jesus Christ lmao
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.