It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.