My dream job? That’s easy:
Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.
That’s Old School Twitter.
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
“How much for this remote controlled alien?”
“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.