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My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.


girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher


Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.


“How much for this remote controlled alien?”

“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”


30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.


me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.


I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.


Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.


me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.