The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you