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@Shock_Monster

My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.

@clichedout

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

@1Happytwit

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

@HuttonGray

“How much for this remote controlled alien?”

“Sir, that’s Stephen Hawking.”

@SladeWentworth

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

@MattTheBrand

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@jenyb4

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

@upsidedowntrash

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.