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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks


The road to Hell was paved with good intentions, but my flower girl did a lovely job with the petals, too.


If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.


[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.


I realized she might be too young when I asked her the time..

And she said..

“The big hand is on the….”


Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.


Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us


No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.