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“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.


Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry


“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)


Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.


“Sir your résumé says you can read minds.”
“Yup. And you’re thinking ‘Why would he put that on a résumé?'”
“Oh. My. God. You’re hired.”


I want to grab some Mexican tonight and then maybe have some dinner with him


yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna


I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!


-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.