[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
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[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.