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@TattleTSister

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

@treywafer

Black magic is kinda racist, but it’s better than nigga wizardry

@SkylarGarland

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

@stevevsninjas

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

@87bidi

“Sir your résumé says you can read minds.”
“Yup. And you’re thinking ‘Why would he put that on a résumé?'”
“Oh. My. God. You’re hired.”

@AphroditeAfter5

I want to grab some Mexican tonight and then maybe have some dinner with him

@TinCanDan

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

@karanbirtinna

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

@FuckabillyRex

-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.