Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
just got my engagement photos
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk