Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
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If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
me after eating Cheetos
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee