During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
You Might Also Like
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Nice try, NASA
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.