“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
You Might Also Like
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”