*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
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By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
the three branches of government
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady