Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
You Might Also Like
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Husband of the year 😂
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.