You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Best misinterpreted text ever!
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.