conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Story of my life…..
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
why am I working on Labor Day
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha