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@SteveSuckington

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

@daemonic3

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

@jake_lach

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

@seamusmckracken

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

@MissHavisham

Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”

@aguywithnolife

Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F

@TragicAllyHere

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

@heyitsJudeD

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

@amishschool

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.