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My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors


1964:”Remember kids,” a youth basketball coach says, “there’s no “i” in team.”

“Not yet,” whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, “… not yet.”


[Rorschach test]
Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps
Dr: I think we can skip the others


Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.


The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.


I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.


her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job


Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’


I was riding a horse once and its leg broke, so I had to shoot it — everyone on the carousel freaked out.