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[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago


[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon


If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.


Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.


Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”


Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F


Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something


What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?


Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….


My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.