Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens