Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*exercises sarcastically*
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My new favorite headline
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off