11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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People who are bad at hiding, I see you
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*