@Tmoney68

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

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@gitson_shiggles

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

@WhatTheFFacts

Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.

@TheBeerGuy73

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

@Stap_Jr

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

@Julie_Cooker

Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@kDuncanG

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!