Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
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Boxer Sugar Ray dreamt of killing his opponent and backed out, but a priest convinced him to fight, he ended up killing the opponent.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey… Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie’s done? 💪
Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!