My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
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I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Sheep
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life