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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]





“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it


Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.


Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.


ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure


Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.


I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..



Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no


10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.