The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
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I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
ATMs should have breathalyzers
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now