[eats all your cotton candy]
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Love this guy
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️