Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess