sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now