[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
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On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!