-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
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[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Respect
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol