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[Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.


I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions


[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no


I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.


Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake


Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.


A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before