[Tour of NASA Headquarters]
Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-
Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?
Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I’m 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
me: you know what, make it a double
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
We like the way Dwight thinks
A girl I went on two dates with told me I’m mysterious and I realized she’s never met someone boring before
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake