Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
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Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it