Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
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7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
yall want some gasoline milk
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car