[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac