Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]
ME: woa!! thanks jesus
JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW
Six inches of snow predicted tonight:
Is that twitter 6″ | |
Subway 6″ | |
Real life 6″ | |
Or Dan 6″ | | Cheesecake
Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.
– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.