You Might Also Like


Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly


Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.


My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history


JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW


Six inches of snow predicted tonight:
Is that twitter 6″ | |
Subway 6″ | |
Real life 6″ | |
Or Dan 6″ | | Cheesecake


Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill


DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*


I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.


– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request


Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.