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@crocodilethumbs

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

@greenteam15

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

@jonnysun

JESUS: hey check this oute [turns my water into wine]

ME: woa!! thanks jesus

JESUS: [grabs wine out of my hands] NO!! THIS IS MY BLOOD NOW

@Deurb1

Six inches of snow predicted tonight:
Is that twitter 6″ | |
Subway 6″ | |
Real life 6″ | |
Or Dan 6″ | | Cheesecake

@lisaxy424

Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill

@ericsshadow

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

@RamblingMachine

I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.

@bombfunk75

– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request

@WotDLuck

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.