dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
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Pass gas, not judgment.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I hope this email finds you in a well
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.