GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
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[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
lmao
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
What the dentist sees
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?