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[IT guy on phone]

May I take control of your computer?

Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*

Err… sure.


I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.


When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.


St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.


Me- are you still mad at me?
CW- yes!!!

*one minute later*

Me- What about now?


Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?


My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.


Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?


Worst idea you’ll ever have is oiling your 4 year-old’s squeaky bedroom door. Congratulations, you just made a ninja.


I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.