What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
You Might Also Like
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
the red hot silly peppers