“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
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If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)