Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
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For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I need this for my side hustle.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.