*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Worth remembering.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.