One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
1: Got burgled this week.
2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.
8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?
Wife *evil glare*
Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.
“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”
-did you just read that off your hand?
“Hey! You’re not blind!”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.