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@sfreeze6

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

@Qckhd

Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

@bartandsoul

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

@iancanwrite

Two things:

1: Got burgled this week.

2: A few years ago I told my mum that lol meant lots of love.

@TheMichaelRock

[at restaurant]]

8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?

Me: because..

Wife *evil glare*

Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

@molly7anne

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

@JoParkerBear

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

@themorris23

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.