Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.