wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
@funTweeters
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.