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@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@Eightinchgoat

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.

@KenJennings

Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.

@juliussharpe

I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.

@mommajessiec

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

@Douchekevin

This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says ‘buy something’.

@trojansauce

[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
[cut to]
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
[cut back]
ME: affair

@parsfarce

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r