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@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

@lmegordon

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

@curlycomedy

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

@dshack8

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

@xLiserx

Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.

@PaigeKellerman

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.