For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you
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Cause of death: Zumba
The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.
Oh I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood. This is a Ferrets wheel. When your compartment is 90 feet in the air, we release the ferrets.
I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
This hangover feels like the kids lunches are going to be a brown paper bag with a handful of change, and a note that says ‘buy something’.
I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r