It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
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Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
saw this in a dream
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh