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Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Teach your children to beatbox
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Chicken bread
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit