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@Amusitr0n

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

@ibid78

[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?

@Shakti_Shetty

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

@Vice_Queen

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@ClichedOut

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

@LostFelicia

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.