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Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.


My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.


[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?


*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*


I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.


Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything


I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.


My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.


Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.