You Might Also Like
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
No flush
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same