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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”