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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.