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UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.