@EmissaryKerry

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

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@Brampersandon_

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

@rcromwell4

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

@TheMichaelRock

If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.
M: I SWEAR TO GOD!

@LuvPug

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

@kiiingsleyy

Using your studies as an excuse to avoid family gatherings >>>

@Social_Mime

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.