11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”