11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.


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If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.


M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.


The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans


Using your studies as an excuse to avoid family gatherings >>>


I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.