Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.
M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.
M: I SWEAR TO GOD!
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Using your studies as an excuse to avoid family gatherings >>>
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.